Am I good?

All my life I was gripped by the fear that I was not good. Having been an over achiever from very young, I never knew what it was like to lose. I excelled at everything that I attempted. Even though this was a good thing in many respects, I believed my achievements earned me the love of others (even though they loved me unconditionally).

I then carried this belief into my relationship with God, feeling that even though I had been saved by Jesus’ sacrifice, I still had to ‘be good’ to receive that gift. But also it brought me pride, because generally I felt I was good enough in comparison to other Christians to earn my love from God, so I was safe. But as I moved from school and university and the complexities and challenges in life compounded, I realised that I couldn’t be the best at everything anymore – work, relationships, friendships, family, exercise, God, sport, hobbies – it just became too much. My whole world began to crumble, for the thing in which I had placed my self confidence – my goodness – was in fact proving to be impossible to sustain. So I worked harder and harder to be better, but I couldn’t keep up.

I had to do the only thing that was left to do – realise that I was not in fact loved for my achievements, that the only reason I am loved is because Jesus is love and therefore He loves. It is all about Him and His love. No matter how good I am, He cannot love me more, because He loves me completely already, and no matter how bad I am, He doesn’t love me less.

To do this I had to acknowledge that it was not me that was good. I was always terrified of doing this because if I could not say that I was good, then where would all my confidence go? But therein lies the point – my self confidence was placed in something that was not everlasting, and fast approaching its sell by date. And so I had to say I am not good. But Jesus is. He is perfect in place of me, so I need not be perfect. And the contrary happened to what I worried about – that I would lose all my confidence – I gained all my confidence. Now I was living out of love, living to enjoy him and the people around me and the world he has given us instead of constantly working to keep my love. And suddenly I wanted to do good, not because I needed to be good, but because I was just so stoked to be alive and to be looked at as a perfect human being, because God looks through Jesus when he looks at me.

This poem portrays that change:

Goodness
NS

Do good, they say
And good I do
You are good they say
And good I am by what I do

I walk in pride
With goodness on my shoulder
With my head held high
I see not to people I am colder

The wall shows cracks
I choose not to see
I ignore these signs
Of the faltering goodness in me

My weakness it shows
More each day
No longer can I believe
That being good is my forte

With my wall gone now
Truth looks me in the eye
And I agree for the first time
My own goodness is but a lie

To failure’s onslaught I wait
Ready to quit
But along comes goodness
The real one, or is it?

Jesus He tells me
That goodness is He
And the goodness in me
Is His gift for free

Goodness I receive
By the grace of the Giver
And I see for the first time
I am good in my Saviour

The freedom that comes
Is due to the reason
That goodness no longer
Is mine only for a season

And I look to the heavens
I give thanks and I sing
For with His free gift
No longer a failure,
but the child of the King

Do good He says
And good I do
I am good He says
And Him good, I believe is true

Be blessed, make music, live with passion
NS